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Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Chronicles of a broken heart: Introduction 
May 10, 2016

I am quite literally broken hearted. Not in the sense that I've suffered catastrophic loss, but in the sense that after 5 days in the hospital and a boat load of tests, all they can really tell me is that my heart is no longer functioning properly.  It's broken and they don't seem to know why or what the actual cause is.

They've diagnosed it as Congestive Heart Failure or CHF.  That's a scary albeit non-descriptive term.  For me it's the failure part that's particularly scary. 

You know it's funny how they don't really tell you anything about the disease.  This med for this and that med for that and do you have a dry cough? Oh well we can't do much for that.  Loose weight, eat better, exercise as much as you can stand even though you have that pesky fatigue and weakness, and who knows? You might live to be 90!  LOL  Seriously?

Weakness and fatigue I'm almost used too.  I've had that for years due to my fibromyalgyia (which half the medical personnel say is imaginary.) Or there's the hypothyroidism. The fatigue and aching might come from that they say.  They only thing we know for certain about this new diagnosis is that my heart is only pumping 25 percent of the blood that it should be pumping.  No blockages, nothing.  Just broken.

One would think in this day and age that a why could be found.  The fact that it's blatantly missing makes me wonder about ridiculous, seriously unscientific scenarios, like: Is it possible that the last time I was in love and it didn't work out..., that my heart actually broke?  Can that happen?   

Or have I honestly had so much heart break in my life that my heart said, "Screw this, I'm out of here." Is that the curse of being a strong person?  Your mind and emotions push you forward, but your body says, "Oh, hell no. Peace out." 

I think I'd feel better about the hole thing if I had a why.  An absolute 'this is exactly what happened and this is how we fix it."  But it's unlikely I'll get the answer I want.  I know that.  

Regardless, it is now my job to figure out where I'm going from here and how I will handle what is to come. (That is after I find out what is to come. lol)  The doctors say I will begin to feel better in the next few months once my medication levels are properly adjusted.  All I can do now is pray they are right and try to pry myself out of bed every day.

Getting up is hard. Sometimes I feel so weak that I lay still as death without even the slightest twitch. The effort it would take to move my hand to the remote to change the TV channel is akin to throwing a bail of hay into a loft. When there is no strength to pull on I just lay still and close my eyes and think about lying in the sun on a boat. As the heat seeps into my sore and tired muscles, the gentle rocking of the waves lulls me into blissful sleep. It generally works and after a nap I'll have a little more energy.

It was worse right after the hospital.  The unrelenting weakness kept me bed ridden for days.  Now I have windows. Certain times during the day the fog lifts and I can move through normal day to day tasks efficiently.  But the window closes without much prior notice.  Just a sudden return of the weakness and usually a cold, shaking sweat. Then that's it.  It's back in the bed for me and sleep follows immediately after.

I don't know if these things are normal.  I only know it's what I feel and see.  There's not much out there on the internet in layman's terms so I guess the least I can do is write it down for posterity.  Who knows? Maybe we can help each other. 

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